今年年初，我為《金融時報》寫過一篇專欄文章。如果《金融時報》要評選它所刊載過的最具誤導性的專欄文章，可供評選的文章一定不會少，但我那篇肯定是相當強勁的角逐者。你若是看了，定會同意我這個說法。

At the beginning of this year I wrote one of the most misguided columns that the FT has ever published. There is some competition for the title but mine, I think you will agree, is a pretty strong contender.

    我在文章中自信地預言，2003年管理術語的全球供應量將會下降。我預言這一年內管理界將突然清醒起來：企業將不再討論諸如“公司DNA”之類的說法，而是集中精力去賺錢。

I confidently predicted that in 2003 the global supply of management cant would recede. I foresaw a year in which the world of management would suddenly become sensible - in which companies would stop brainstorming about their corporate DNA and concentrate on making money instead.

    我在文章中寫道，“作為一個頭腦清醒的工作者，我期望2003年是樸實的一年，專注的一年，多產的一年，令人滿意的一年。”天哪，我在說什么呢？不錯，這一年確實是樸實無華，但是自從我開始工作以來，哪一年不是樸實無華？樸實之余，就全部是垃圾了。

"As a sensible worker, I look forward to 2003 as unglamorous and focused, productive and satisfying," I wrote. What on earth was I on about? It is true the year has been unglamorous but so has every year since I started working. The rest is just rubbish.

    相反，過去一年，管理的術語還是各種各樣，只是內容有所改變。如我所預測的那樣，“Fun世紀”終結了，被新的說法所取代。

Instead, what has happened in the past year is that the variety of cant has shifted. As predicted, the Age of Fun drew to a close; but all sorts of other cant has risen up to take its place.

    這一年，我們被煽情的廢話所淹沒。這一年，所有領導潮流的領導者都講究用“心”來說話。七月份，我找到了摩根大通的一份備忘錄，內容是公司副董事長要求他的投資銀行家們打電話給客戶，說自己愛他們。

In particular, this year we were swamped by pseudo-emotional guff. It was the year when all fashionable leaders talked from the heart. In July I singled out a memo from JP Morgan in which the vice-chairman told his investment bankers to phone a client and tell them they loved them.

    上周我又看到一份用“心”寫的備忘錄，是一家英國公司寫給其雇員的，它是我所看到的同類備忘錄中風格運用得最不恰當的。它是獨立財務顧問公司Sesame負責人寫的圣誕賀詞。賀詞一開始寫道，“我們最好的一位朋友的孩子昨天因感染流感不幸去世。值此圣誕之際，此事更讓我想到了Sesame公司的核心價值，那就是關懷。”

But last week I came across a memo-from-the-heart sent to employees of a British company that is possibly the worst example of the genre I have ever seen. It is a Christmas message from the head of Sesame, an independent financial adviser. "One of our best friends sadly lost their seven-year-old child to the flu yesterday," it began. "This brought home to me the importance, particularly as we enter the Christmas season, to expressly embrace one of Sesame's core values - to care."

    這賀詞寫得簡直太可怕了。將一個孩子的死和公司的核心價值觀聯系起來，不但牛頭不對馬嘴，也缺乏可信度。另外，此圣誕賀詞的語法也讓人不敢恭維。備忘錄接著寫道，“我祈禱在這個圣誕節，你們想到的不僅僅是圣誕禮物和愉悅，也要想到，我們每個人都要主動去關心我們所處的家庭和社區。”

This is beyond dreadful. The sheer ineptitude of trying to link the death of a child to the firm's values beggars belief. The split infinitive is not great either. "I pray that this Christmas be remembered not only for presents and joy, but also for each of us reaching out to our families and the community in which we live in a caring manner," the memo went on.

    我不介意老板告訴我怎么去做我的工作（其實我還是有點介意的，不過這是他的特權，我只能接受），但是要是有人告訴我如何對待自己的家庭，如何對待自己所處的社區，我會非常非常介意。公司的電子郵件容不得祈禱者的言辭。如果首席執行長們想去當牧師，不妨在下了崗的時候去重新接受牧師的培訓。

I do not mind my boss telling me how to do my job (actually I do mind a bit, though I accept it is his prerogative) but I would mind very much if he started telling me how to behave to my family and the community in which I live. There is no room for prayers in company e-mails. If CEOs secretly want to be vicars, they should consider retraining when they find themselves suddenly pushed out.

    圣誕節是說廢話的大好時機。全球最有頭腦的管理顧問公司Bain & Co的圣誕卡是我目前最喜歡的例子：這家管理顧問公司在其賀卡上印了四個家常季節性圖片（落葉中的孩子，孩子堆雪人，等等），打開后里面的文字是這樣的（全是小寫）：

Christmas is a great time for guff and this year's Christmas card from Bain & Co, one of the world's brainiest management consultants, is my favourite example so far. The consultant has chosen four homespun images of the seasons (child in fallen leaves, child builds snowman, etc), and the message inside reads (all in lower case):

    “熱情洋溢在

"throughout the passion

    各個季節，

of the seasons

    成長，繁榮，慶祝，

grow, prosper, celebrate

    享受！”

enjoy!"

    如果我是Bain公司客戶，我會立馬炒該公司魷魚。管理顧問靠什么賺錢？靠的是提供戰略方面的咨詢，這是很嚴肅的事，怎能和絮絮叨叨的季節感慨扯在一起？

If I were a Bain client, I would sack the firm on the spot. Consultants make their money by selling advice on strategy, which is a serious matter and not compatible with soft ramblings on the passing seasons.

    今年的管理著作也很愚蠢：寫了那本俗不可耐、但是大紅大紫的《誰動了我的奶酪》后，斯賓塞•約翰遜（Spencer Johnson）博士的書又上了暢銷排行榜。經理人在搶購他的《禮物》一書，作為圣誕禮物。此書的套路和原來一樣，簡簡單單的寓言故事，每頁上都沒幾個字。為了跟上潮流，書中煽情的成分增加了。我隨便翻開此書，看到的那一頁上是這樣寫的：“如果你有目標地去生活，去工作，去抓住重要的事，那么你將更有能力去領導，去管理，去支持，去交友，去愛。”

Management books went on being very silly indeed this year. Spencer Johnson, MD, who wrote the extraordinarily banal and still more extraordinarily successful Who Moved My Cheese?, is back in the best-selling charts. The Present is what managers are busily buying for each other this Christmas. The formula is the same - simplistic parable and hardly any words to the page - but, in keeping with the fashion, the emotional volume has been turned up. I opened the book at random and these were the only words on the page: "When You Live And Work With Purpose, And Respond To what Is Important Now, You Are More Able To Lead, Manage, Support, Befriend, And Love."

    要是說此書有什么獨創的話，那就是約翰遜走出了首字母全部小寫的狂熱，而用了大量的大寫字母。（可憐的Bain還不知道，首字母小寫已成了昔日黃花。）除此以外，《禮物》一書只是一流的廢話，通篇胡扯。

The only original thing in this is that Johnson has shunned the lower case craze (which Bain should know is pass?by now) and has instead chosen abundant use of the capital letter. Otherwise it is guff par excellence - total gibberish.

    我今年也見過一些挺合情合理的東西，但是有時也合情合理得過了頭。獲得頭等獎的是一家安全顧問公司，名叫TPS顧問公司。它送出了一份新聞稿，題為：“建筑設計中安全和反恐舉措可能會成為強制標準”，文中提出如下建議：

I came across much sensible stuff this year, though some was sensible to a fault. Top prize goes to a security consultancy called TPS Consult. It sent out a press release entitled "Security and counter-terrorism measures in building design could become mandatory"swheres it offered the following tips.

    “第一條準則：不要在室內放炸彈；

"Rule number 1 - Keep bombs out of buildings;

    第二條準則：讓炸彈盡量遠離建筑；

Rule number 2 - Keep bombs as far away as possible;

    第三條準則：遵照第一、第二條法則。“

Rule number 3 - comply with rules 1 & 2;"

    這下好了，在新的一年里，哪怕我們在別的方面都走不通，至少我們認識了炸彈安全問題，可以去保安業去找份飯碗。

So if all else fails in the new year, we all now know enough about bomb safety to get jobs in the security business.

    現在，我要提出新理論了，那就是全球管理術語的供應量明年不會升也不會降，后年也不會，大后年也不會。其庫存總量將保持不變。

And now I am going to come up with a new theory, which is that the global supply of management cant is not going to rise or fall next year or the year after or the one after that. The stock is a constant.

    我對自己的擔憂能力也有同樣判斷。擔憂的內容總是在變，而擔憂的總量保持不變。比如有時候我會有很糟糕的事去擔憂，一些無關痛癢的擔憂就會被取代，比如我的餐具為什么在洗碗機里變成了奇怪的顏色。

I feel the same way about my own capacity for worry. The worries change but the capacity is fixed. If I have big nasty things to worry about, they displace more benign worries such as why my cutlery has suddenly gone a funny colour in the dishwasher.

    只要有空子，就會有廢話鉆進來，只是有些廢話比其它的廢話更為糟糕。今年流行的廢話就特別惡毒：光是煽情也就罷了，不會讓人過分反感，問題是它虛假得厲害！我敢打賭，在2004年，這類廢話已經過了頂峰期，將會走下坡路。我還不知道新的廢話會以什么形式出現，但是我希望它們不會令我們太反胃。

Guff will always fill the space available, though some types are worse than others. This year's variety has been particularly virulent: the emotional stuff offends not so much for its mushiness but for its rank insincerity. My hostage to fortune for 2004 is that this sort of guff has peaked and will recede. I do not know what form the new cant will take but I hope that it will be easier to stomach.

    譯者/柏林